The Smasher's Gazette
by Mr. Knightly
Summary: Kylie Koopa recruits Wario to help her run a newspaper called 'The Smasher's Gazette'. This may have been a mistake however, as Wario's greed drives him to print blatant lies about people. Can Kylie turn things around, or is The Smasher's Gazette doomed to be nothing but scandals and gossip?
1. Chapter 1

**Hello there! I am the Knight of Arkronia and I would like to welcome you all to my first ever fan-fiction! Inspirations for this story include the Spongebob episode "The Krabby Kronicle", the Ed Edd n' Eddy episode "Truth or Ed", warriorcatgirl375's story "The Smash Mansion Observer", and NinjaFalcon90's story "The Brawling Times" Thank you all, and enjoy!**

Chapter 1

It was a calm, peaceful day. Wario was sitting on a park bench, bored out of his mind. Kylie Koopa approached, saying in a vaguely Brooklyn accent "Why hello there good sir!" Wario replied "Bah, scram you little shell-creeper!" Kylie ignored his rudeness and said "I have a joy in my heart that not even you can quench, for this dame has finally got her talents recognized! As of today, I have been elected lead reporter for the Smasher's Gazette!"

"Well, whoop-dee-doo and all that. Are you quite done?" Kylie quickly asked "Actually, the reason I came here is that I was looking for help. Working for such a huge newspaper is a harrowing job, so I figured two heads would be better than one. Would you like to help me publish the Smasher's Gazette and step into the exciting world of journalism?"

"Ha, are you kidding me? I'd rather kiss a Moblin! Go find some other sucker." Kylie walked off and said to herself "Fine, I guess I'll have to find someone else to help me sell the papers." Wario suddenly ran up to her and said "Sell? Did you say sell? Where do I sign?!"


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Later in the main headquarters of the Smasher's Gazette, Wario arrived to investigate. The entrance hall had a huge television like device in the center, and various interns and employees were running about delivering papers, typing articles, or just on their break. He walked into the main office to find that besides him, the only new employee Kylie had managed to recruit was Waluigi, and he was only there because they promised to make the first cover story about him.

Wario walked up to him and said "So, my sneaky partner in crime, are you excited about all of today's newspaper sales too?" Waluigi replied "We haven't sold any papers today." "What do you mean we haven't sold any papers?!" Noticing a Shy Guy wandering around, Wario grabbed a paper, ran up to him and said "Surely this chump-I mean gentleman would like a copy of the Smasher's Gazette?" The Shy Guy looked at it and said "Looks boring. Could you just tell me where the bathroom is?" "Too boring?" He examined the cover, and then saw something that made his eyes grow to the size of coconuts. "KYLIE!"

When the inquisitive young turtle ran in, Wario growled "What's the meaning of this?" "Meaning of what?" Wario shoved the newspaper into her face and said "'Local Resident Waluigi Sits Next to Fire Hydrant'? Nobody's gonna pay to read that bunkum!" Kylie looked him in the eyes (not an easy task, let me tell you) and said "I'll admit that we've had a slow news week, but that is about to change! Next month, the pet store is getting a new supply of sweet little kitties coming in! How wonderful!"

Wario grumbled, then said "Good thing you're house trained. Look, let me explain this in a way that you'll understand. When you write these stories, you've got to improvise, you know? Use a little imagination!" "Imagination?" "Yeah, instead of 'Man Sits by Fire Hydrant', you could say, I dunno, 'Man Marries Fire Hydrant'! Then you alter the photo to match the headline and come up with a story to coincide, and there! Now that's a juicy story people want to see!" "But Wario, wouldn't that be lying?" "Don't think of it as lying, Kylie. Think of it as, uh... playing a practical joke! Something for people to laugh about! They do it all the time in politics! Now go out there and find me a hot scoop!"


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Kylie went out in search of a story worthy of the Smashers Gazette. She eventually found Mario working on the pipes at a fountain. Hiding in a nearby bush, she saw Luigi walking up to Mario while carrying a container filled with pool noodles. "Hey Mario, would-a you mind watching over these while I'm away?" Mario turned to him and replied "No problem bro!" As Luigi walked away, Mario picked up one of the foam, pipe shaped water toys. "Now what does Luigi want-a with all of these-a pool noodles anyway?"

Kylie took a picture, then quickly darted back into the bush. "Who was that-a? Eh, it was-a probably just a fan." Kylie quickly started writing down the events that she saw on a notepad, smiling to herself all the while. "Mario is gonna laugh his head off once he reads this!"

Later, Wario was reviewing the newest issue with glee. "'Renowned Plumber and Hero Mario Cuts Corners at Critical Repairs'! I think you finally done it! You've found a story that'll sell! And sell it has!" He gestured towards the stands where the papers were sold.

Hundreds, if not thousands of people from across the multiverse were lining up and buying papers. Kylie turned to Wario and said "Yeah, but that isn't the story I wrote, sir." "That is what they call 'editorial privilege.' It gives articles a little extra spark to boost sales. Besides, how could such a little news story possibly affect Mario in any way?"

"How on earth did I end-a up broke? I don't-a replace pipes with pool noodles. I can't-a believe such a little news story could have ended-a my business!"


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Kylie was currently in Hyrule, scoping out Kakariko Village with a telescope. "Let's see if they have anything here." She stopped upon noticing a young blonde man in a green tunic. "Stop the presses! Is that Link? I wonder what secrets that boy's hiding under that quiet demeanour of his?"

She silently hopped across the rooftops following him until he stopped by a older villager. "Uh huh, this looks shady, very shady indeed!" "Young man, do you think you could get my Cuckoo back?" The villager asked this while gesturing towards a small, chicken like creature that was standing on a ledge by some vines. Link nodded, fired his hookshot at the vines to pull himself up to the ledge, grabbed the Cuckoo, and floated down, with Kylie taking pictures all the while.

"Ah, you got my prize winning Cuckoo back! Here, take this for your trouble!" the villager said as she gave Link a Heart Container Piece. Being a man of few words, Link said "Thank you madam.", and then left. Kylie began to make notes in her pad. "Very interesting..."

The next day, things weren't going so well for Hyrule's hero, for he was being kicked out of Hyrule Castle! "W-wait a minute, what's the big idea, your majesty?" The angry king of Hyrule pulled out a fancy scroll and said "This is the big idea!"

Link grabbed the scroll and unfurled it, revealing it to be an old fashioned copy of the Smasher's Gazette. At the top was a picture of a deranged Link shooting a hookshot at a Cuckoo's body. "'Link the Loser Tests His Weapons on Animals'?! B-b-b-b-b-b-but-" "No buts! You ought to be ashamed of yourself and your audacious animal abuse! Your banished until further notice!"

Link got tossed onto the ground and the gates and drawbridge closed behind the king and his guards. Kylie was stretching her legs between assignments when she spotted him. Like many women, Kylie thought Link was hot, something he was oblivious to, so she strutted up to him, trying to keep herself from blushing, and said "H-hey there Link! How are you?" "Sorry, I can't talk right now, I need to take in the fact that my life is ruined!"

Kylie grew concerned and asked "Ruined, what are you talking about?" The depressed Hylian pulled out the scroll and moaned "It's this scroll. It's filled with lies someone wrote about me! I don't even though what I did wrong!" Kylie looked at the scroll, and when she saw who published it, she gasped in horror.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

"Thanks for your money! And here's your paper! If you have cash, come again! (Whew, thought that deadbeat would never leave!)"

Clearly, unlike Link, Wario was having the time of his life. Kylie looked uncomfortable as she walked up to him (and no, it wasn't because he ate a spicy bean burrito with extra garlic for lunch, although that was a contributing factor), and said "Wario, may I talk to you privately for a moment?" Wario turned to her and said "Well you'd better make it quick! These papers are selling faster than we can print them!"

"Actually, that's what I wanted to talk about. I'm beginning to think these stories aren't doing anyone any good!" "Bah, nonsense! They're doing me a lot of good!" He took her to his office, which had money and treasure piled up all over the place. "Get a load of this loot! We're making a killing!"

As Wario dived into a pile of dollar bills, Kylie said "True, but can't we find hot scoops without hurting people?" Wario sighed and said "You just can't get it past your 'pretty face' and into your microscopic brain, can you? We're not. hurting. anyone! We're just making their lives interesting, for everyone else! Now go out there, and fetch another headliner!"


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

The next day, at Bowser Castle, there was much excitement among the Koopas. King Bowser had an announcement to make. "Attention minions, this is it! I've finally come up with a foolproof plan to capture the princess and squash those meddlesome heroes once and for all! Victory will finally be ours! Bwa ha ha ha ha!"

A man suddenly came in and said "I think not! I am Health Inspector Snapper. I'm officially stripping you of your title and throne, and you will henceforth lose custody of Bowser Jr and the Koopalings!" A confused Bowser growled "Why? I haven't done anything! Anything health related I mean." "Yeah, that's not what the paper says."

Bowser grabbed it and read the article, which depicted him dropping Goombas and Koopas into a cauldron filled with soup. "'King Koopa or King Cannibal? Bowser, king of the Koopas has been revealed to serve his people and those close to him in more ways than one'? WHAT?!"

After Bowser got kicked out, he turned to the heavens roaring "I have nothing left to live for! Who's to blame for this malice? WHO?!" Kylie watched these events unfold with a heavy heart.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Wario however, couldn't care less, as he was getting even more money from his sales. "Boy, we're reaching new levels of imagination kiddo!" Kylie sadly replied "Yeah, I guess so." Wario turned to her and asked "What the heck's up with you? You sick or something?" "Yes, you could say that." "Don't be stupid! How could you feel bad? I've single handedly turned this rag into a world class money machine!"

Kylie gulped and said "All right, fine. Wario, I, um (oh, why is this so hard?)... I don't think we should do this anymore!" Wario frowned and said "What's that supposed to mean?" "I mean I don't think we should write any more of these stories. When I got inducted into the Smasher's Gazette, I wanted to share the truth with the people, not help produce a sleazy gossip rag that's packed with scandals and scare headlines! I try to write decent stories, but all that comes out are barefaced lies!"

Wario walked up to her menacingly and snarled "Lies? LIES?! Of course it's all lies you fool, but these 'people' you want to share the truth with are all dumb enough to buy them! They're buffoons! Numskulls! Morons! Those idiots will believe anything I tell them, and I literally mean anything! If I say to them that the sky is orange, or that logs taste like grape jelly, they'll gladly believe it without a second thought! They're the dumbest of the dumb! The dullest of the dull! The stupidest of the stupid! They're dimwits, dweebs, and doo-doo-dunderheads! I can keep that rabble right where I want them!"

"Well, I'm sorry Wario, but I can't do this anymore! I have seen people's lives ruined, with my own eyes! So as painful as it is to say it, I officially resign from the Smasher's Gazette!" She was about to leave when Wario blocked her way, glaring furiously all the while. "Oh, a wise guy huh? You're not going anywhere unless I say so! You'd better start feeling right, because if you don't, I'm going to make the next story about you!" What?" Wario leaned over her and grinned maliciously. "Tell me, do you remember the Shroobs? Alien mushrooms from space? They caused a lot of damage during their invasion. Real nasty customers!"

Kylie grew nervous and asked "What are you saying?" "I'm just saying, you were at the location of the Shroob Invasion when it happened." (You see, Koopas are turtles, and thus have a longer life span than other creatures, so they age more slowly than other beings. Kylie would actually be older than Wario by human standards, but still fairly young for a Koopa)

"It would be a real shame if someone, maybe even someone you've worked with, printed a story that suggested you were behind the invading hordes, wouldn't it?! Your career would be ruined! No one would look in your direction ever again! You'd be run out of town!" "Raspberries! Wario, you wouldn't!" "Oh you can bet your eyeliner and shell wax I would! Now go out there and get me a another juicy story, or else!"


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

On Space Colony 371, Samus was going through the deductions from her latest bounty, when she saw a couple of scientists carrying away the pieces of her Power Suit and other weapons. She said "My apologies, gentlemen, but this is a private apartment."

One scientist looked to the other and said "I had no idea it could talk!" Samus shot them a confused look, at which the scientist turned to her and said slowly "Don't worry! We from Galactic Federation Committee, and we come confiscate all shiny toys and doodads! 'Confiscate' means 'take away'. You see pretty words on screen thingy?"

The scientist held up a tablet that displayed a holographic version of the Smasher's Gazette. The second scientist said to the first one "The paper said that Samus scored lower than a Tatori in the latest IQ test, so what makes you think it can even read or-"

"Let me see that! 'Samus Aran, or Samus Moron? Galactic Guardian Really a Brainless Bimbo by Kylie Koopa'?!" A furious Samus snarled "That backstabbing terrapin thinks she can do that to me?!" "Oh boy, we'd better split! The dumb blondes are always the most violent!"


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

And so the vicious cycle continued. Kylie reluctantly brought in stories, and Wario twisted them around into scandals so he could sell more papers. 'Ganondorf is Secret Crossdresser!' 'Zelda is Accepting Bribes from Criminals!' 'Renowned Pokémon Trainers Caught Using Performance Enhancing Berries!' 'Peach is Cheating on Mario!' 'Kirby Devourers Entire Worlds!'

Eventually, everyone began to turn on each other. "So, you were only-a interested in me for-a my money, were you? Is that-a why the papers say you've-a been dating Link behind-a my back once I lost-a my job?" "Mario the plumber! I can't believe you would assume I'd do such a thing! And with someone who's so cruel to animals no less!" "Hey!"

"All right Ganon, I know you were the one who gave Kylie and the Gazette that story about me being a Koopa cannibal, Miss Gerudo pageant reject!" "What did you just call me, you spiky shelled brute?!"

"So, this issue says you had your wardrobe made in sweatshops, eh Daisy?! What kind of sick freak are you?!" "Can it, Toad boy! At least I don't sell Fuzzies on the black market like _this_ issue says you do!"

"Hey Bandana Dee, is it true you got your butt kicked into four Thursdays from now by kindergarteners with crayons and a potted chrysanthemum?" "Lies, lies, all lies!"

"I'm not falling for your tricks Yoshi! This article told me all about you acting cute and innocent so you can loot peoples homes!" "But Fox, that's not true!" "Ha! That's exactly what the article said you'd say to get me to lower my guard! Well it's not going to work on me!" "Well at least I actually work! This issue says you and your team never learned to fly Arwings, so you just con people into risking their lives so you can take all the credit! Star Fox is a team of frauds!" "Oh, it's on like Donkey Kong!" "Ooh ooo ooh!" "Stay out of this! This issue states that you're actually more monkey than gorilla, and that you've tampered with medical records to keep it secret!" "Ooh ook!"

"Hey, what do you mean that at least you don't wear a mask to conceal the fact that you use makeup! I don't use makeup!" Well, that's what it says in the paper, Meta Knight!" "Ah, shut up!" These and other arguments occurred across the multiverse. It appeared that a full scale civil war was inevitable.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

Wario was laughing his head off while rolling in his newly acquired money, looking at the issue they had just published that morning.

"Wha har har har! 'Luigi is a Convicted Pyromaniac'?! You've really outdone yourself this time! Wha har har har, ha ha ha hargh!" Kylie Koopa just stood there silently. Months of printing these horrible stories had taken their toll. She no longer had that youthful energy or boundless optimism she had before. Now she was gloomy, depressed, and looked up and said quietly "If you say so."

"Oh, I know so! People don't want boring charts and facts! They want wild, juicy scandals and stories! That's what sells! Now, tomorrow is the 100th anniversary of the first issue I've published, so to celebrate, I want your little turtle brain to come up with the wildest story ever! One that'll top all the others! One that will send sales through the roof!" "But Wario, we've written about pretty much everybody now! Do you have any ideas?" "Bah, surprise me! Make it a real shocker!"

He tossed Kylie down from his money throne and towards her desk before leaving. "Good night! I'll check on you tomorrow morning! And remember, the wildest story ever!"

Kylie sat at her desk, thinking to herself. "What will I do? What will I do? I can't write anymore lies, but I also can't let him print that slander about me! C'mon girl, think, think!"

Then, as if an angel whispered it into her ear, she got an idea. "So, he wants the wildest story ever, huh? I'll give him the wildest story ever! It's time for that tabloid taskmaster to finally get a taste of his own medicine!"

So on and on into the night she typed and typed and slaved away to make her masterpiece. She also recorded footage from the security camera in order to pull off her plan. Whatever she was planning, it was going to be big!


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

The next morning, Kylie managed to get dozens of issues sold by the time Wario showed up. "How's it going there?" Kylie turned to him, sleep deprived but with her old enthusiasm back. "Ah, I'm not telling, it's a surprise!" "How wonderful! We're gonna sell out in no time! We'll have to do an extra printing!" Kylie followed Wario out of the office and heard him say "I only wish I could see the looks on their faces when they read today's paper! WHAT THE WHA?!"

A huge mob, including the victims of Wario's libel, had gathered in the main hall, and they looked ticked beyond reason. A female Goomba at the front yelled "You heartless fiend!" A shocked and confounded Wario yelled "What on this messed up earth is going on?!" The angry Goomba shoved a newspaper in his face and snarled "You should know!"

Wario read the newspaper with growing horror as he realized what they were mad about. "'Wario is a Money Grubbing Liar?! Overworks Employees While Reaping Rewards?! Smasher's Gazette Mastermind Behind Fraudulent Stories Pays his Tired, Underfed Reporter Pocket Change While he Rakes in the Dough!?'" The nightmarish picture that came with the article certainly didn't help. The Goomba lady gestured towards the exhausted Kylie and shouted "How could you treat an innocent youth like this?! That is sick and inhumane!"

Samus then made her way to the front, dressed in her newly retrieved Power Suit, and added "Not to mention the fact that you've been writing lies about us!" Bowser growled "I lost everything important to me because of you! And I thought I was evil!" Link moaned "Ever since that article was printed, members of the PETA keep trying to lynch me!" Mario sobbed "And I've-a had to go back to-a living in-a my parents basement!"

Wario regained his nerve and said "This is an outrage! Where's the proof! I demand to see proof of these accusations! Where is the evidence that I did any of this?!" Kylie smirked and said "Actually, the proof is right here!" She pressed a button, and security footage of Wario yelling at Kylie began to play on the big screens for all to see and hear.

"Lies? LIES?! Of course it's all lies you fool, but these 'people' you want to share the truth with are all dumb enough to buy them! They're buffoons! Numskulls! Morons! Those idiots will believe anything I tell them, and I literally mean anything! If I say to them that the sky is orange, or that logs taste like grape jelly, they'll gladly believe it without a second thought! They're the dumbest of the dumb! The dullest of the dull! The stupidest of the stupid! They're dimwits, dweebs, and doo-doo-dunderheads! I can keep that rabble right where I want them!"

Wario looked pale as a sheet when the movie ended, grinning sheepishly all the while. A voice from the mob said "What was that part about 'doo-doo-dunderheads', punk?" The Goomba lady yelled "That's it! We're taking our money back!" They advanced towards the office when Wario blocked them. "No way, hosé! All sales are final! Absolutely no refunds!" Bowser roared "All right then, get him!" "Oopsie."

"CHARGE!" Wario screamed and ran into the office with the irate mob chasing him. There's a chance that Kylie might have stepped in to stop them from beating Wario senseless, but she didn't get any sleep at all last night, so she laid down for a well deserved rest.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

Wario Gets Fired From the Smasher's Gazette!' 'Public Apologies Abound as Everyone gets Refunds!' 'Kylie Koopa Promoted to Lead Editor!' 'Kittens Get Delivered to Pet Store!'

Later that day, Kylie went to the hospital to visit Wario, who was in a full body cast after the angry people clobbered him, and he was bawling like a big grumpy baby. "Wario, are you alright?" Wario sobbed "How can I be alright when my money's gone, all gone! Wah, ha ha!"

"Well, it just goes to show, trying to make a quick buck off of other people's misery doesn't pay." "Bah, why don't you just shut up!" Wario sniffed and added "Well, at least it can't possibly get any worse."

Almost as if his ears were burning, Waluigi came in holding a fire hydrant. "Hey, losers! Does one of you know where the cafeteria is? I was just going to get me and the wife a couple of hoagies!

 **The End**


End file.
